"Cloverfield" on DVD

Ever since "Cloverfield" hit theaters, I've heard a lot of different people using a lot of different words to describe it. Professional movie critics said it was "frightening" and "scary." And while it does have a few good scares and creepy moments, those words aren't really accurate. Some sci-fi geeks said it was a "great monster movie," which is true to a point…however, the flick isn't really about a monster. Sure, there's a monster in it, but it's really a film about love, and facing seemingly insurmountable odds. And most of the cynical bastards and unappreciative knuckleheads that went to see "Cloverfield" said it "sucked," or "blew," or was the "worst movie ever." This hits me especially funny because waaaay back in the day, at the beginning of my writing career, I said that "The Blair Witch Project" was the most frightening, original, and fun horror movie my generation would ever see. And so far, I've remained right about that. And even back then, dumb ass audiences didn't get it. But of all the words I've heard, there's one that is definitely and surprisingly absent. And that word is "fuck."

"Cloverfield" features a 350-foot tall lizard/dinosaur/alien/humanoid monster trashing the shit out of Manhattan. I mean, it rips the head off the Statue of Liberty, lays waste to Central Park, and kills about a hundred thousand people with little parasitic crab monsters in tow. Throughout the entire 86 minute running time, through all the explosions, and death, and screaming, and blood-barfing, and roaring, not ONE PERSON uses the word "fuck." Doesn't that seem a little strange? I mean, if I were in that situation, I would probably say "Holy Fuck" or "What the fuck is that thing?!?!" or "OH FUCK!!!!!!" or "Fuck this shit, I'm getting the fuck out of here," or "Fuck me," or "Fuck man, we are totally fucking fucked." But nothing. Not once. Ever.

But honestly, "Cloverfield" is quite a cool movie. The monster is a plot device. It's basically a movie about a guy named Rob trying to rescue a girl named Beth. Sure, it's not a brilliant film. It's not a lofty study of humanity, and it doesn't have any British people in it. It's just a simple, exciting, humorous, and engrossing popcorn movie. And the interspersed moments of a previously recorded date between Beth and Rob are perfectly heartbreaking, and serve to remind us of why Rob would run straight into the path of a monster…because Beth's smile is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and he'd do anything to see it again. I can relate.

But perhaps the coolest thing about "Cloverfield" is the thing that nobody has seen. Between cuts in the action, the camera pauses and flickers three times in the movie, and each time, if you pause the DVD at that moment you get a spliced in clip of "Them," "The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms," and "King Kong," which are quite possibly the best American monster movies ever made. It's a neat little touch to a film that prides itself on being neat. Nobody is trying to win an Oscar, or sway voters, or make a statement in "Cloverfield." It's all about having fun, snuggling up, and watching what amounts to a "great monster movie." Fuck-free and all.